So yes after almost a year I finally have my blog up!
It has been such a hectic year with so many ups and downs that this just took a backseat but I was sitting in bed the other night and I realised that it’s time…
So now here I sit, blog up and running writing this post.
PS – Big tx to you Miss Anja for the help 
And about the people in Douglasdale at least you stopped first 
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
I can’t breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight
High off her love, drunk from my hate, it’s like I’m huffin’ paint
And I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she f**kin’ hates me
And I love it, “wait, where you goin’?”
“I’m leavin’ you,” “no you ain’t come back”
We’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
So insane, cause when it’s goin’ good it’s goin’ great
I’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
But when it’s bad it’s awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whose that dude? I don’t even know his name
I laid hands on her
I never stoop so low again
I guess I don’t know my own strength
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills used to get em
Now you’re getting f**kin’ sick of lookin’ at em
You swore you’d never hit em, never do nothin’ to hurt em
Now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em
You push pull each other’s hair
Scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you’re in em
It’s the face that’s the culprit, controls you both
So they say it’s best to go your seperate ways
Guess that they don’t know ya
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it’s a different day
Sound like broken records playin’ over
But you promised her next time you’ll show restraint
You don’t get another chance
Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that’s why they call it window pane
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
When it comes to love you’re just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed I’ll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won’t be no next time
I apologize even though I know it’s lies
I’m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I’m a liar if she ever tries to f**kin’ leave again
I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to fuck with a whore than work on a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.
This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over “her”, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone.
This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too selfish to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech. For the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen him from across the room leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be an “old friend”. This is for the girls who have showed up party after party just to be in his presence, and finally realizing that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. This is for the nights his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way, then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had.
This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment & this is for realizing that when you choose friends, you hardly choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep.
This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have settled for what he was giving because at least he was giving something. This is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted.
This is for the hugs you’ve received from your girlfriends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful. and that you are truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the regret you’ve felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that, that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow.
I’ve been thinking of you since before the world began.
You are the one I have always and will forever love. At just the thought of you my heart jumps excitedly and I dance around singing over you.
You mean everything to me. I’m so proud of you. Nothing you could ever do could make me stop loving you.
I am the proudest mother of the most beautiful daughter.
You are mine. You are my treasure, but much more valuable.
I’ve guarded and will guard you with my life.
The love I have for you burns bright and deep inside me. I am forever thinking of ways to be close to you.
There has never been, and there will never be a more beautiful creation than you my darling.
You will always be mommy’s girl to me.
I love you…
So, you meet her – Funny, clever, busy, cynical and soft. She’s great. You date. Except there’s one thing about her that makes your ballsack twinge in fright.
It’s the Kid.
Now let’s be upfront, and serious, just for a second. When you’re dating a single mom, you’re really dating two people. Okay, so not exactly the ménage ‘n trois you were hoping for, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.
Know this one thing – she doesn’t consider it serious until she introduces you to the Kid. Know one other thing – introducing you to the Kid is not a test. You cannot pass or fail it. It just is. Got that? Good.
The stuff you should know:
Knowledge of the Kid:
Any mother, anywhere, is going to talk about her kid. Your mom did, didn’t she? So, if the topic of the Kid only comes up way after you meet, you may find she’s ashamed of the idea of being a single parent.
My answer? Run. Now. Any person not okay with being themselves is not worth your time anyway.
Your date/girlfriend is going to talk about the Kid. Get used to that fact. Just as she’s also going to talk about her job, her friends, her life and her family. Just like you are about your job, your friends, your family, your car. Except her Kid isn’t an accessory and doesn’t come with fuel injection. No, wait, the Kid does have fuel injection capabilities, spawned from a myriad of bribery sweets and birthday cake, but does not require weekly buffing and an immobilizer. On that note, if anyone knows how to install an immobilizer on a Kid, let me know.
Priorities:
You see, dude, you’re going to have to accept that you score at a number two on the priority list in Single Mom’s life. Once it’s serious, you’ll reach that point. You don’t comprehend? Look, I’ll show you:
Single Mom’s priorities before she dates you:
Single Mom’s priorities once you two reach serious stage:
Notice that subtle change? Thought you might.
So, in the grander scheme of things, scoring number two ain’t so freaking bad, after all, is it? What are your priorities, then, mmm?
Giving a fuck:
We were giving birth long before you gave a fuck. So, if you do care, show it. Immediately, but without being a suffocating psycho.
The Ex:
If you’re really lucky, the Ex will be a nice enough guy, with whom your girlfriend has an amicable relationship. Do NOT fuck with it.
If you’re not lucky, the Ex will be a vilified arsehole, with whom your girlfriend has a relationship of vague tolerance and vitriolic sucking up of his BS. Once again, do NOT fuck with it. Unless you are asked to.
If you’re middle of the road lucky, the Ex will just be around for parties, family events, the every-other-weekend-pick-up-and-drop-off, and be generally unobtrusive, and is someone with whom your girlfriend has a mild, sometimes tenuous, generally okay relationship. Seriously, do NOT fuck with it.
Be nice, be polite, exchange idle banter about cars and leave it at that. Remember something rather important, dude. His wang was in there long before you were, and made a Kid. The very Kid who is now a part of your life and who undoubtedly hero worships their father. So, like, accept that and be polite.
Kid and tantrums:
The golden rule is to walk away, go into the kitchen, make tea and let mama sort this one out. Grit your teeth and do it. But, be helpful in an indirect fashion. Trust me, mama doesn’t need your help sorting this one out, and your “advice” is invalid unless you have a kid yourself.
The Kid:
The Kid is going to be shy at first. The Kid is going to fall in love with you too. You may find you do the same in return. Try not to be a complete wuss about it. Don’t be afraid to dig out your old Lego and channel your light-sabre years. You have full rights to watch Gummi Bears now and you absolutely can eat ice cream with your fingers, and all the cake you like. Don’t all therapists tell you to channel your inner child? There it is, right there, and you didn’t even have to pay someone five hundred bucks an hour to remind you.
At some point, the Kid is going to love you. Just because you are. Just because you exist in their world. Isn’t that a good thought?
The Dates:
So the Kid gets sick on Date night and your girlfriend has to cancel so that she can sit up all night being puked on and doing 42 cycles of laundry, whilst still trying to get some sleep and soothe a crying child. Your job? Quit whining about it. Move on. So the vomit-game got in the way of your laygame? Sorry, mate, but tomorrow is another day, and another date night will roll around and the Kid won’t get sick and all will be well. Offer empathy. And don’t think your girlfriend is not feeling like a piece of total turd for having to cancel. She already is. Don’t make it any worse.
The Friends:
Your Single Mom Girlfriend will come with a set of hideously close, fantastic friends. They have been there from the beginning and probably before, and, should you ever make a grand exit, will be around to pick up the pieces afterwards. Alternatively, should you stick around long enough, you’ll become part of that regular tableau around the dinner table. They can tell you everything you ever want to know about your girlfriend. Well, at least everything she will let them. They are her support structure and are family to her and the Kid. They’d also be the ones singing your praises and making speeches at your wedding one day, should that happen. Don’t ever ask her to choose between you or them. It won’t end well and you will lose.
Her Family:
Are probably a close-knit bunch, a little crazy, and completely supportive. Or, they’ve distanced themselves from the ‘weird one who went astray and got herself up the duff or divorced or whatever’. Either way, respect that. One day, they might be your family too.
Her Job:
Is just as important as yours. If not more. If that stings, deal with it. You see, you get up every morning, get yourself ready and dressed and go to work. On the other side of the spectrum, she gets up every morning at sparrows fart, gets herself ready and dressed for work, gets the Kid ready and dressed for school/daycare, feeds them breakfast, cleans the house, makes sure whatever’s needed for dinner is defrosting, throws coffee down her throat and hopes like hell noone got yoghurt anywhere. At lunchtime, you’re at a lunch meeting, or you’re having a sandwich at your desk or you’re getting a bit of fresh air. She is making sure the pharmacy bill is paid, running to the shops to get diapers or the latest most essential MOM-I-MUST-HAVE-IT toy, or a pencil sharpener from the stationers because the dog ate the last one and she is most definitely chugging back another coffee and hoping that muffin she ate on the way doesn’t show up too badly in her hips. You see, if she loses her job, everyone suffers. If you lose your job, um, you suffer. And let me tell you, potential employers generally frown upon baby spew on suits in interviews.
What you will get in return:
An abundance of love. Like I said, it’s not the ménage ‘n trois you were looking for, but it still is one. Sure, it has some limitations, boundaries and getting-used-tos, but what relationship doesn’t at first seem to have them?
A space at the dinner table any time you like. Seriously. If the Kid’s gotta be fed, then mama’s cooking. Which means, she’s happily cooking for you too anytime you like. I’m willing to bet what she’s making beats last night’s pizza leftovers.
An experience to relive your very own childhood. Enough said.
The privilege of being a fundamental part of someone’s developing life. Think about that. Seriously. Who wouldn’t want that honour? To know they truly made a mark in someone’s life. Do you have that feeling now?
Absolute support. It’s true. Single moms thrive on the support they receive from the people who love them, and will give it back times infinity when needed. It’s always there.
A challenge. A challenge to yourself, for yourself. You’re going to learn so much more about yourself, more than you ever, ever knew. Ask your girlfriend, she knows, because she’s learning about herself too.
Heart-winning. You will win the heart of someone so hurt once, so probably jaded by life and other people. You will be believed in, above all people. And you will be a prince among plonkers.
A sense of belonging. Once you’ve become part of the family others may deem strange, but is actually becoming the norm nowadays, you’ll always know where you can come home to. Bad mood, good mood, bad day, good day, it doesn’t matter. You’re just there. That’s what makes the difference to them.
Laughter. So much laughter you cannot contain yourself.
You don’t believe me?
Try farting in front of the Kid.
Seriously.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.
FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry ,’ look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight..
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say ‘Bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson …
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it..
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
So this has been a long time coming…. Varies reasons have caused me to finally open up and well spill the beans. I wasn’t even going to publish this but after something was said in a mail today I thought to myself – How can I not?
I met this guy Andrew (@MAV3RIK ). He was WOW. He was simply amazing. He got me. He understood me. I could tell him my secrets and feel safe. SAFE – the irony of that word right now is ridiculous..
He was married and I couldn’t say no to him ever… Yes I know it was wrong and it’s not something I am proud of but it happened and I have to deal with what I did EVERYDAY… I had an affair… I fell in love… I didn’t care about the consquences. I should have, I know this now!
To cut a long story short I fell pregnant… I wasn’t going to tell him, I didn’t want him to know. A friend took it apon herself and told him. All hell broke loose and well my baby is no more. He killed him. He killed my little boy and I will forever be broken. I will forever have nightmares. I will forever live with regret… I will forever live with guilt…
I made the ulitmate sacrifice for you… Please let it be now… Please let me be…
Today’s events knocked me even harded then what they would have normally as my due date was 29/05/09 so this Saturday but lil boy would have been a year…
The comments that you make… The lies that you tell people… The lies you tell your wife… I get that you want to put yourself in a better light but for FUCKS SAKE now DROP IT. You did wrong too! You need to face up to that and if you can’t I don’t care just leave me alone… Leave me out of your lies….
One thing I did learn from this is why “most” men have affairs and it’s not always about the sex… I asked him why one night and his answer back was “I get more emotional attention from a cardboard box then I do my wife”.
Ladies men need emotional attention too – Don’t forget that!
You can never get him out of your head …
It’s the way you get weak in the knees when you get lost in his eyes.
It’s the way you can’t breathe when you are around him. It’s the way your hands match perfectly.
It’s the way your heart skips a beat when you see him. It’s the way he catches all of your attention by not even saying a word.
It’s the way he makes the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
It’s the way you act like a three-year-old in love all over again.
It’s the way he hugs and kisses you. It’s the way he makes you fall in love ….
So I was lucky enough to get the 4MB – High Res photo from the Marie Claie “The Naked Issue”. All I can say is what a beautiful photo to have. My task was to make it look pretty and then make it website and facebook friendly and finally load the picture on Jay’s website and on Facebook. And we wonder why I love my job Then attention this photo received has been out of this world. Have a look see and you’ll see what I mean. Remember – keep your hand holding your mounth closed. Enjoy 
Smiling too much!
How awesome is this man that is sometimes an A$$ – tx friend. Nicest thing you could ever say to me! xxx
Lotsa Love